So this is something that I have often thought of doing, but been too scared to do. It is a very vulnerable thing, to put oneself out there for the world to look at, especially when the thing you are intending on showing is the worst and most hidden part of you. But I decided to do it.
Yes there is a benefit for me, but I also hope that there will be a benefit for others, that somehow this will serve to connect people who have had similar experiences, and to make people feel a little less lonely.
I have mental health issues. No I do not know what they are. Words and labels have been banded around, but I always refused to go to the doctors. I didn’t want to be officially labelled. I didn’t want it going down on a piece of paper somewhere, banded around computer systems in black and white; “There is something wrong with this one”. I didn’t want to end up having to take medication for the rest of my life. It is bad enough knowing that you are different; I didn’t want to have everyone else know it for certain. Now this might not have been the most sensible attitude to adopt, but I have never claimed to be the most sensible person. I can get away with being quiet, quirky, a bit weird, a bit socially awkward, those are labels I will embrace and throw back at people if I am ever questioned as they can explain away many things, without the need for medical notes backing them up.
I was convinced that whatever mental health problems I may have, were not impacting my life to any great degree, and, therefore, could not be serious. They must be mild, and I was coping fine. Which for the most part is true. I do manage, I have a full time job, I do well at it (sometimes) and I am a functioning person within society, and yet at the same time, I do struggle. I struggle with the simplest things that most people take for granted. But I also excel at things that others do not, because my moral compass doesn’t always point in exactly the right direction.
But I am so blessed. I have so many people that love me. I have people who believe in me 100%. I have never had to announce my troubles because I manage and I manage because of these people.
To them I owe a debt of gratitude that I do not show often enough.
Nothing is black and white, that is one of the biggest lessons I have learnt in life so far. Do not judge others because things are never black and white. Hold yourself accountable because of the same. We write ourselves as heroes in our own stories, but we may be villans, extras or the village idiot in someone else’s. Always thank your supporting cast.