No bigger fool exists, surely, than I.
I do not wear rose tinted spectacles, I see reality for what it is, in all its putrescence, but I have a rose tinted brain and choose to ignore this reality. The pain of the truth is too much to bear, so my brain softens the blow. Tells me it’ll be fine. Whatever your gut instincts are telling you, I’m sure there’s an explanation. Just keep going. This can’t possibly be the truth of the matter, because that would be too painful. If this is the truth of the matter, what is the point in living. That people do not even have enough self control to question their base desires and consider them, consider another persons feelings and the consequences of their actions, nor the integrity to be honest in the first place. Surely this should be the deviation from the norm, and not the norm itself. Despite my rose-tinted brain, my gut instincts are usually amazingly spot on from the word go. And yet I never fucking listen.
I once read that the sadness of life is that no matter how good your heart is, eventually you have to start treating people the way they treat you.
I have never subscribed to this. Living to some code of honour and self respect, holding my intentions above the mendacity of humans, convinced that by living the right way, there must be some end game reward.
That’s bollocks. Perhaps all there is in life is base desires and chaos and feculence. The turgid, tumescent writhing masses of the human race, a plague on this planet, a scourge and an insult to the very universe itself, caught up in their pathetic petty fuckery, stabbing at each other in the dark like blind babies whose mummies and daddies didn’t love them enough. Perhaps I should be playing the villain, instead of the self-righteous protagonist. I have the capacity to be a truly malevolent and pestiferous monster, something that I bury, in favour of the code of honour, but if there is no end game, does it really matter.
I create these rules to keep myself in check, but maybe it’s just all a shit show.
I am aware that my BPD can cause me to swing violently from “This is amazing and everything is going to be great” to “This is terrible I need to get the fuck away from this situation now”. Because of this I find it hard to know what thinking is rooted in rationality, and what isn’t. I try to share with others, in as much of a non-biased way as possible, to try to get insight into whether my reactions and thoughts are valid. But this isn’t always easy. And because I swing so quickly from one to the other, it is hard to ever make a concrete decision regarding a situation, because my outlook is ever shifting. I have always wished I could see the end result, so I would know which decision to make, what is worth investing my time in and what isn’t. But I don’t have this power, none of us do. So we blindly stumble through life, trusting the wrong people and branding our ever shrinking hearts with the deceit and betrayal of others.